Just a heads up this blog post has absolutely nothing to do with poker.

I try not to do this, but sometimes I just get inspired. Today I watched the worst movie I’ve seen in a while. Michael Bay presents summer suckfest 2009. Transformers 2 may have actually made me a worse person. For the first time in my life I want to kill the director of a movie. I would have preferred going on a road trip with Rob Schneider, Pauly Shore, Tim Allen, and Carrot top. The movie was a carbon copy of itself, except way worse.

Shia LaBeouf’s character starts out by resuming his life as a normal kid. He goes to college where he meets his new Hispanic roommate. This kid happens to be a tech savvy genius, who has created a dumb internet empire. I mention Hispanic because this exact character with 100% of the same traits was played by an African American in the first Transformers. Way to go Michael Bay. You did a great job in diversifying your cast. You also did a great job in tricking us to pay for a movie we have already seen.

Throughout the whole movie Shia is just running away. There is no plot but somehow Michael Bay made a movie out of blowing things up. The movie should follow a simple formula. Start out showing how awesome the transformers are using ridiculous CGI, introduce the identical supporting cast, something bad happens, gather the troops, love situation is resolved, huge fight scene, all is good. However he messed up the formula by introducing an epic plot twist 2 hours in. The movie is about the Rise of the fallen. Which makes you believe there is going to be some enormous army that sweeps earth, however there is a twist. There is just one bad dude, named “the fallen”, who does absolutely nothing in the whole movie. This just makes the movie drag on…and on…and on…..

There are two saving graces to the movie. When I say saving grace I mean, the only reason I didn’t demand my money back. One, Megan Fox is a complete babe. “If she was a president she would be Babebraham Lincoln”. The movie would have been 10 times better if they dedicated a quarter of the screen to her personalized camera. Two, John Turturro killed it in his roll. Remember Joey Knish? He got it done in a good way.

You really can’t imagine how bad it is until you see it. The characters remain stagnant throughout the whole movie. The comic relief is destroyed by weak attempts at sexual innuendo jokes. Even the robots are given ridiculous accents that make people question if Bay is racist. I haven’t been this mad since I saw Smokin’ Aces. I now hate Shai LaBeouf with passion. He just looks like a preteen version of Bear Grylls. Quite frankly the movie would have been better if it was Bear instead of Shai.

Sorry one more thing. There was a preview for a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called “The Last Airbender”. Enough said.